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I'm glad I'm a Man because:
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real..... Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
38.
You understand why The Three Stooges are funny.
39. You
know stuff about tanks.
40. Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
41. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
42. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
43. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
44. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to
stall at every shot of somebody crying.
45. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around
everywhere you go.
46. Movie nudity is always female.
47. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
48. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
49. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic
that everyone secretly hates you.
50. You can kill your own food.
51. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
52. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
53. You never have to clean a toilet.
54. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
55. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she
can still be your friend.
56. You don't have to shave below your neck.
57. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
58. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every
night.
59. You can write your name in the snow.
60. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
61. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
62. Chocolate is just another snack.
63. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
64. Flowers fix everything.
65. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
66. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
67. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
68. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!")
and not worry about what people will think.
69. Foreplay is optional.
70. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
71. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into
a room.
72. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
73. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter
reader's coming by.
74. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your
lover's about to leave you.
75. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
76. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself
to look like him.
77. You never have to drive on to another gas station because
this one's just too sleezy
78. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
79. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're
wearing.
80. You
don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
81. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the
Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
82. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
83. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a
little gift.
84. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
85. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your
mother.
86. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you
naked.
87. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to
go to the bathroom.
88. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he
won't tell your other friends you've changed.
89. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
90. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase
"Screw it."
91. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
92. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because
you're not funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it
with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
95. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and
anniversaries.
96. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex
with them.
97. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So...notice anything different?"
98. There's always a game on somewhere.
Ten Things men know for sure about women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts
Subject: Words women use
WORDS WOMEN USE:
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are
right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a
woman
looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes
that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so
it's an even trade.
NOTHING - This means "something", and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a
woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word
"Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what
you want
because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead"
in just a
few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will
talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs"
mean
that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content.
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and
hard
before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's
Okay"
is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a
"Raised
Eyebrow".
PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so
be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Advanced Training Courses For Women
1. Silence, the Final
frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of
Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating the Imelda
Marcos Syndrome: You don't need new shoes daily.
4. Parties: Going out
without new outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover
how minor household chores can wait until
after the game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I:
Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II:
His razor is His.
8. Valuation: Just because
it's not important to you...
9. Communication Skills I:
Tears - The last resort, not the first
10. Communication Skills
II: Thinking before speaking
11. Communications Skills
III: Getting what you want, without nagging
12. Driving a car safely; A
skill you can acquire
13. Party Etiquette:
Drinking your fair share
14. Telephone Skills: How
to hang up
15. Introduction to parking
16. Advanced parking:
Reversing into a space
17. Overcoming
anal-retentive behavior: Leaving the towels on the floor
18. Water retention: fact
or fat?
19. Cooking I: Bringing
back bacon, eggs & butter
20. Cooking II: Bran &
Tofu aren't for human consumption
21. Cooking III: How not to
inflict your diets on other people
22. Compliments; Accepting
them gracefully
23. PMS; Your problem...Not
his
24. Dancing; Why men don't
want to
25. Sex; It's for married
couples too
26. Classic Clothing:
Wearing outfits you already have
27. Household Dust: A
harmless natural occurrence only women notice
28. Integrating Your
Laundry: Washing it all together
29. Ballet: for women only
30. Oil & Petrol: Your
car needs both
31. Learning to go in
public toilets
32. Appreciating the humor
of the three stooges
33. "Do these jeans
make my ass look big?" - Why men lie
34. TV Remotes: For men
only."
MEN
A
recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was
found that men preferred
to engage in sexual activity on the days
that started with the
letter "T" . . .
Example of those days are:
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and
Thunday
WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED . .
.
A recent survey was
conducted to discover why men get out of bed
in the middle of the
night.
5% said it was to get a
glass of water,
12% said it was to go the
toilet,
83% said it was to go
home.
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST . .
.as a man sees it...
You're sitting at the
table and your son is on the cover of the
box of Wheaties. Your
mistress is on the cover of Playboy. And
your
wife is on the back of the milk carton
10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY
1) You have to take out the garbage.
2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $300,000.
3) No sofas in your restrooms.
4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5) Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not
allowed to cry.
6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
8) You have to wear ties.
9) You can't flirt you way out of a jam.
10) "Women and children first."
Subject: Why Men's Brains Cost More Than Women's
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting
room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad
news," he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope
left for
your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but
it is
the only hope. Insurance will cover the
procedure, but
you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed
the
news. After a great length of time, someone
asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" The
doctor quickly
responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and
$200 for a
female brain." The moment turned awkward.
Men in the
room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact
with the
women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to
control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male
brain so much
more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and
explained to the entire group, "It's just
standard
pricing procedure. We have to mark
down the price of
the female brains, because they've actually been
used."
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